Before I begin, I would like to declare I am not writing this out of hatred or spite. It is purely written as an event that had passed. I took some time to reflect on it and this is what I have to share.
Adam and I have been separated for the past couple of months. We parted ways in June of this year. Our reason for severing this relationship was due to a combination of stress, financials, and our social-less life. Our wants and needs did not mesh after being together for over a year. I proposed to him in March 2013 on the very first day we met, but it wasn’t enough to save us.
I believe we were drifting slowly. I was craving a spark. Something to rejuvenate our life - my life. We ran a seamless routine of waking up, taking care of the dogs, work, coming home and having dinner, light to little conversations in front of a t.v. show we both liked, and then finally bed. This was our routine. Even our love making decreased too. The stress and depression that consumed me made being sexual difficult and I became slowly less aroused.
I sought help with my family doctor and was prescribed anti-depressants. They took a while to work it’s way into my system, but even with more happy days for myself our relationship did not improve. We fought or came off as cold. I wanted to go out and be one with the gay community and make friends. Adam did not like the “gay scene” and would rather just “chill” or see his best friend and chill with her. He said he wanted to do things with me, but when your not enthusiastic about it, how can I believe you?
I began to close off to him. I sought ways to escape this world by trying to establish friends I can see on my free time. But even when I share this generalized information with him, I knew it was not enough. I knew that mentioning any guy that I just became friends with sparked jealousy, rage, and panic. I don’t have many friends, and to discourage my attempts at making friends and socialize with people at places I wanted to socialize at was discouraging. I was accused of cheating and sleeping around. This made opening up and sharing my world that much more difficult and hard.
Where did I find my friends or try to find my friends? Work was ideal to find people, but I was never good at asking people for their numbers and always hoped mine would be asked for instead. It never happened so I resulted in online gay apps. It isn’t always the greatest option, however, I have met great people through these apps before and wanted to make another attempt at finding people. It was usually a miss in most cases. The people I was interested in becoming friends with either fell through or they had another objective in mind and I had to disconnect before it went to far. I will say this. I might have given flirty compliments but I never made suggestions of any manner sexually or physically. I appreciate peoples beauty and if it is a crime to recognize it, then call me a prisoner. But I always made Adam a priority and a high importance in my life and if they could not acknowledge that, I no longer acknowledge them.
After Adam moved out the process of healing started. The first week was hard. It did not help that I had to see him again and again as he picked up the remaining of his things. My feelings were very strong for him. I cried just talking about it and knew my love for him was strong, but our lives and wants and needs made it difficult. When he left I managed to get a roommate for the time. The company was nice but it was not the same as having a lover at home, but eventually it came to be like he was never there.
We never hung out since then. We spoke rarely on the phone and texted just as much. We were still healing, but unlike Adam, I tried the dating world again. For the most part it was unsuccessful, but I had to relearn how to date again.
In September, Adam wanted to grab coffee with me. Our schedule meshed and we were able to find a day to sit and talk. He expressed his thoughts and feelings about us. He told me why he was the way he was with certain things and said it had to do a lot with how he was raised and his stress at work and finances. I agreed with him that these things do shape a person. I shared with him my faults. I can be controlling and I do express myself after it builds up inside. I said I need to work on that. I also mentioned my childhood upbringing and what I wanted in life. Adam genuinely missed me and could tell he was beating around the bush. I asked him if he wanted to start over and we agreed on baby steps.
I was excited that we were starting over and that we were reconnecting. What I did not expect was the feelings that developed after time progressed….
I thoughts things would get better. I thought this would be a refresh and we had a better understanding of each other. Though our time was short I did not have a refresh. I felt like we picked up right back where we left off. I felt depressed again and wanted out. My feelings were not the same. They were now a memory. I come off as cruel saying that, but how else am I supposed to express a phantom feeling?
I did what I could to try and jumpstart the relationship. I thought being sweet, affectionate and saying I love you would trigger how things were before the downward fall. I thought spending some time together would cause the butterflies in my stomach. I thought kissing him and showers together will bring upon passion. it did not… I felt that we were doomed and it was going to get worse. and it did…
Adam eventually needed a place to stay. He asked if he could stay with me for a little while while his home in Denton was inspected. What ended up supposed to be something casual ended up with him moving in. I did not mind it at first. I thought it was interesting that we were starting off living together and tried to stay positive about the situation. This too shifted for the worse.
One of the major issues we had was communication. When it came to casually talking he was not consistent in giving me a reply. I like to do small talk in hopes of it leading to a full blown conversation. He did not get the hint and either gave a sound of acknowledgement or no sound at all. I like to think out loud sometimes, even when a show is playing. Acknowledging me to show you are interested in what I say is important. I expressed it many times and it didn’t click. So i sit there, getting depressed and wanting an out…
I started to distance myself from Adam. I thought maybe we were moving to quickly. How was I supposed to tell that to him after he just moved in. It made it that much more harder to do, but eventually I did do it. I am not proud of my methods, but it was the only way I found that could work. i texted him my concerns. This lead to a phone conversation. My message was heard and the rest did not go well.
What I thought I needed was space and hoped that him living on his own eventually would help. What I needed was a clean break. Adam and I have too many differences and I could no longer overlooked them. He was stressed and felt betrayed and lead on. I can understand his feelings though it seems I cannot since I am painting the picture of me being cruel. I am human, I make mistakes but my intensions are never one for hatred or pain. But sometimes it cannot be avoided.
Out of his anger he destroyed some precious art pieces of mine. Two incomplete canvas art work, one completed portrait, and one glass jar filled with dried roses. They all have one thing in common, they were all about Adam. His defense was he was doing us I favor. He wanted to restart his life and get rid of pieces that were about “us.” He was picking and choosing what he thought was the right thing to do to get rid of “us.” I called him out on it and his argument was invalid and weak. He later on said what he did was wrong but he had every right to act the way he acted. I asked him if he wants to restart so badly I would exchange all the gifts I bought for him for gifts he bought me.
This consisted of the fryer, glass cups and plates, and my art supplies. What I given him was the massage table for his birthday, his shoe collection (when I met him he had one flipflop, one dusty tom, one cheap peeling dress shoe, and some holey sperry’s), and majority of his clothes (I mean 80% of it I bought for him for just because reasons). He refused to give them up saying they are gifts and he was only removing pieces that were about “us.” I find that contradictory since those pieces are linked to me and he knows that if I were to remove them all he would have nothing. I impacted his life in such a small but significant way that he knows losing it would make life that much more gray.
After this argument I gave him a week to pack up his things and leave. I have yet to see him and I feel it best we no longer connect as people on this earth. I am one to hold a grudge, but this is not a grudge. This is just two people who have been so emotionally invested to each other over time that seeing each other will bring upon such an emotion too strong for each one to handle. To avoid the awkwardness I decided to cut ties with Adam. Adam on the other hand would like to reconcile one day in the far future. The only way I will allow that if he is truly mentally, emotionally, and financially stable. He has a “crutch” he needs to give up and work on himself before he can love another.
He did get one thing right. I did enrich his life in a way that nobody has.
I am in the dating process again. I was dating before Adam reentered the picture and seeing that I could not reconnect with him as a former lover I have continued on dating. To whom will remain unknown for now, but I do like the direction it is going.
Here is a picture of some of the artwork he destroyed. It was done out of hate. You can see it in the details…
kunning asked: If I had accepted the pickle juice... I would still be drinking pickle juice right now.
you said color not drink lol